My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
