Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
