You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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