6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
