guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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