Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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