I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
