Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
