Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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