My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
