I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
