i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
