My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
