I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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