Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
