im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
