All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
