I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
