Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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