I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We left an ass print on the piano.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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