I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
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this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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