Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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