I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My ass is underappreciated
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
