I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you made out with another girl for some wings
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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