We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
