I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
