I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
