Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
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please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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