it wasn't lemon gatorade
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
