You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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