Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
