You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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