I cockslap morals
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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