Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
