the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize