i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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