I met the friendliest cop last night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize