Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's never too late to be topless.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
being pregnant is like rehab
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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