Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
