Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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