Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
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This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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