genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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