I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
