He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
