My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
