Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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