Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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