I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
