Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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