The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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