i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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