I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
