Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
